so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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