mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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