Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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