I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
