He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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