You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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