He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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