my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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