The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
