i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
