He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
