capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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