Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
