you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
