we have officially lost it.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
