I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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