dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
