This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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