How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
