You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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