My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
