im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
