I accidentally burped into my bong.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
