i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
