You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
