I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
drinking out of a sandbucket again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
