its not stalking. its research.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
