I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
