Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
