Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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