When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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