The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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