just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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