how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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