I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
