So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
