Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Michael Bay diarrhea
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
