after a month anything with tits is on the radar
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
