i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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