GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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