So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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