so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
