Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
