i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
