You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
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And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
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I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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