mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
