Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
