Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
