I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
