Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
