You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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