I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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