Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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