I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
