Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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