o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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