I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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