She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?