New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
