Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
