did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
